I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize