I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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