The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
