Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
