Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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