What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
