look no pants
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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