I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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