party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
