I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
