she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
