Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
