And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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