this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
