I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
