my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
