I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
