hell yes lets make some ravioli
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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