the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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