best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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