just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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