I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
