Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
