woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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