How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
