She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
