Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
