my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
