And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
