franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
