I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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