nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
