when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
