I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
