Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize