Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
