i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
