Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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