I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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