I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
