there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
