Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
