I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
