Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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