Taylor Swift is so right about you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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