Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
