I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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