I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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