I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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