Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
