she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
