After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
