No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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