just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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