I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
