I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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