Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
