Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
