Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
