Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
